She and I
She has a toll on me
Sometimes she has control of me
I try to exhale her away
But it’s as if she’s inhaled me—
swallowed me whole
I hate when I let her take control
I’ve been on such a good path, breathing her away.
I’ve created
I’ve journaled
I WORKOUT NOW, for Pete’s sake
And still…
Photo by Nicole Mason
She isn’t consistent.
She’ll come on strong sometimes
And occasionally I’m able to just blow her away— let her know I’m the MFing boss.
Photo by Jared Rice
She may stay away for a day, a week and if I’m really lucky a month.
But sometimes she just creeps up like the fog covering the autumn trees.
I could be anywhere doing anything and she’ll just happen to find me there and cover me in her fog like I’m some puny tree.
That’s when I have to remind myself that I’m rooted and strong, exhale.
Photo by Andrew Neel
Today is good.
Tomorrow who knows.
I’d love to break up with her forever, but for some reason, I keep letting her back in.[tweetthis hidden_hashtags=”#AnxietySucks”]I’d love to break up with her forever, but for some reason, I keep letting her back in. [/tweetthis]
As Lauryn Hill sings, “how do I explain myself?”
Photo by Kevin Grieve
I skip the next lyric to the song straight to the one I want the most:
As painful as this thing has been
I just can’t be with no one else
See I know what we’ve got to do
You let go, and I’ll let go too
‘Cause no one’s hurt me more than you
And no one ever will
If only it were that easy…
I just may need some help.
****
On Thursday morning I was driving home and writing inspiration struck me. I could not write, I had no one in the car to help me jot things down, so I had to recite she has a toll on me, sometimes she has control on me, I try to exhale her away over and over again like a Buddhist monk. But words kept filling my head, I had to trap them all in my mind, I was afraid they’d escape like words lost before. I drove up to my home and opened up Notes and these were the words that poured (the words that I finally got a chance to place here days later ::: shakes head :::).
Sometimes it has a hold of me, indeed, but lately, I’ve been better at battling it. I’m not sure if I’ll ever free myself of this anxious mind of mine, but I’d like to think so.
Thanks for reading. 🙂
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tamaralikecamera
July 29, 2018 at 7:31 pmI have a “she” as well. UGH. I can’t stand her. Sometimes she comes when I’m driving and tries to tell me I’m too much of a mess to even drive. Those are the times I have to exhale and blow her away.
xoxo
Dean @Mrs. AOK, A Work In Progress
July 29, 2018 at 7:44 pmUGH!! She’s such a b!! (well, sort of) When I was driving and this thought came to me it was she. I sat here on my computer and debated he vs. she and realized, nah, it’s she. She is me and I’m the one who needs to take control. Blah…
Anyway, we’ll exhale her away together.
XOXO
Jean | DelightfulRepast.com
July 30, 2018 at 8:43 amGreat writing! Don’t feel you have to do it alone. There is help available. Life is hard enough without this added pressure. #MMBH
Dean @Mrs. AOK, A Work In Progress
July 30, 2018 at 4:15 pmThank you, Jean. You’re totally right. I’ve been working on myself, writing is one of the things that helps quite a bit. Thanks for stopping by!
XO
Kimberly (@momgosomething)
July 30, 2018 at 2:01 pmThis is so powerful. So powerful. I feel it right in my gut. You are not alone. I am right there with you. Holding your hand girl. You are stronger than it. So much stronger. xoxxoo
PS. AGain, this is so powerfully and beautifully and wonderfully written. xoxo
Dean @Mrs. AOK, A Work In Progress
July 30, 2018 at 4:27 pm:::GULP::: That means so much coming from you, Kimberly, for obvious reasons, you writing superstar!
I’m with you, always! Let’s fight it together.
Again, thank you.
XOXO
Beth
July 30, 2018 at 2:55 pmThis is fantastic. I also have a “She” and I’m getting better at living with “her” but some days are harder than others. You are most definitely not alone. <3
Dean @Mrs. AOK, A Work In Progress
July 30, 2018 at 4:28 pmThank you, Beth. It comforts me to know I’m not alone, but it pains me to know that others are battling their own hers too. UGH… why? I’m just glad we’re able to talk about it. Sending you a hug.
XO
Akaleistar
July 30, 2018 at 5:06 pmI feel this post so much right now!
Drea Day
August 7, 2018 at 12:56 amI just want to give you a hug for sharing this. I have a “she,” too, and the only way my anxious mind can deal with her lately is through writing (or burying myself in reading). I have a poem that I wrote a few weeks ago that reminds me of this feeling. Hopefully, I can share it with you, soon. Please know that you are not alone, Dean. Just breathe. Take it one moment at a time and do the best you can, love. And if there’s anything I can do, I’m only a few keyboard strokes away…
Hugs to you 🙂
Dre